A Long Way

a year ago i had my first breakup

14 years together ending in a whirlwind of hurt

obviously it’s been a wild year

one of heartache

but also joy

the joy of becoming truly myself

i started living on my own for the first time in my life

what a blessing; what an opportunity!

reinvention and coming out all happening simultaneously

going by my new name

then later a legal change; a new passport, a new credit card

when i close my tab, i can answer with a name that honors me

too often we get stuck in the pain and grief of being queer that we don’t stop to celebrate the full joys of who we are

i remember spending last Thanksgiving alone,,, and also xmas morning

but u know what?

no longer

i have friends, a polycule, beautiful and wonderful partners, and the most secret ingredient:

i have a confidence in myself and my ability to be okay on my own

this ability; to be alone and be okay, is paramount to resilience

for we all are alone at times

we all die alone

having friends and partners is the most wonderful thing in the world to be sure

but to know that i’ll be okay if i find myself alone gives me much needed peace

this ingredient became known through heartache, pain, mental health problems, coming to terms with my gender identity, and the decisions my ex and i made as the relationship started to unravel

if i ever run into her again in this life, i would thank her

this experience which first broke me, helped me find this spice of resilience, this salt of confidence

life has flavor

now, do i still miss her and wish on some level those things didn’t happen?

yes

i still find myself having dreams and memories of times past,,,

initially i was annoyed at this

my therapist suggested instead of being annoyed, to reorient myself to my heart; that these annoyances are actually beautiful examples of echoes of my love for her

my love and care still echo into the world for this person

and as a relationship anarchist, i believe our love is not a limited resource

this has tremendously helped my heart heal

am i still angry?

yep

but that will fade im sure

because we know love wins

and in my secular spiritual life, i aim to cultivate a heart that forgives

but that process (and the grieving process of the relationship in general) will take several years, more therapy, and lots of work (and unlearning patterns)

and that’s okay

right now and focusing on how i feel now, i am beyond happy:

Hill and Maxx, i love u sooooo much

others who i am with in the polycule who im with sometimes, my heart is happy when im with u <3

others who are,,, sorta partners or fwb, or, unlabeled, i can’t help but smile when i see ur name come across my screen

friends, i can’t thank u enough for accepting me for who i am and supporting me

im sooooo dang lucky to have my cat Loki in my life as he is a constant companion and source of joy for both me and anyone who meets him

a year ago i was at the lowest point of my life and now im thriving

as much personal growth i’ve made, i couldn’t have done it without the support of my best friend during all the times i cried and didn’t know if i could continue

my parents too were very gracious and im thankful for their support and listening, despite the obvious shock at finding out they had another daughter and that this long-term relationship was ending

life is short and im gonna place my love and trust in community, growth, and love itself

may those of us on a path of practice continue to do the work

those not on a path of practice: it’s never too late!

we can bring empathy, care, silliness, sweetness, a fierce compassion, and romance into this life

it does require doing the work tho, and it’s not always easy

as messy as we are as humans; as broken as we are sometimes; we are not broken like the way i was taught as child:

we are not fundamentally evil

nor are we fundamentally deserving of damnation

nor are we broken beyond repair

we are due happiness, love, joy, peace, compassion, and equanimity

it’s our birthright

even if the world is horrible

even if sometimes we feel like everything is against us

even if coming into the world is a fundamental harm, we who are here deserve these things and not only that, we deserve to thrive and soak in the love from those around us

i hope, whoever u are, reading this,,,

that u gain these qualities and that u learn how to fall completely in love with the moment and the moments u share with ur loved ones

may u be happy and well

may we give thanks to the universe for it’s uncaring origin and the short time we get to coexist with the beautiful ppl around us

<3